Quiet

Today was a very laid back quiet day. We only had one group, as one of the techs who usually works Saturdays and will lead a group was on vacation. Lucky woman. Quiet days are the hardest in some ways. I have too much time on my hands, too much time to think. Why is it so hard to be still? I feel I must always be busy and productive or I am not moving forward. Especially here, at the treatment facility, to which my family pays for me to go get help. Am I recovering on a daily basis? I don't know.
Maybe that's too much to ask. Life itself ebbs and flows, with times when nothing seems to get done and nothing seems to happen. I'm afraid, here, to be ok with it. For so long I have been not a human being, but a "human doing". I borrow the phrase but the meaning is this: that I've been performing for someone, whether it be God, my family, peers or others, or even myself, for so long that I don't know how to let myself just ... just be. It's hard for me to let go of the idea that I have to accomplish something worthwhile in order to be worthwhile. And mind you, the definition of worthwhile changes. What was enough yesterday may not be enough today. I end up in a constant flutter of "am I doing enough yet?" or rather, "am I enough yet?"
I am told I don't need to think this way, because in God's eyes I am enough, just as I am. And this is the hardest concept for me. For Him I feel the need to perform as well, and I berate myself for not being a good Christian, reading my bible and praying and being close with Him. I've actually been running from Him, so to speak, so I whip myself another lash for that. The truth I suspect is that He is waiting for me to come to Him just as I am, all broken up inside and hurting, and I am waiting for me to be a little better before I do so ... yet I can't wait much longer at an impasse. I feel driven toward Him, almost against my will. In these quiet days it is easier to feel the pull, relentlessly tugging at me to just talk to Him a little, even though fear, at this point, still holds me back.