It's been over a month since I posted. I know, I know ...
I am still in California at A New Journey. After a few week stint in the day program I moved back to the night IOP, so my days feels rather empty. And that can be an issue. I try to fill them with meaningful things, but sometimes I still feel at a loss, chasing one meaningless activity after another just to fill the emptiness. Or worse, doing my eating disorder behaviors. Those take up a lot of time, and numb out the rest.
In group last Thursday, I did something I haven't really done in a while. I confronted my eating disorder, head-on, in person. It's a kind of psycho drama technique, in which first I took on the persona of my eating disorder voice and let it talk, and then someone else took on that persona, and as myself I confronted it. It was rather like confronting a beloved one who's really not good for me, like an addictive, abusive relationship with a seducer. I told it I was in love, crazy love I was coming to realise wasn't good for me. As much as the eating disorder gave me, even more it took away. I came to realise that numb isn't the same as feeling good. Sure, it's status quo for me, but it isn't living. I still love my addictive behavior but I want to explore other options now. That, anyway, was the gist of the conversation.
I'm coming to realise how hungry I am for life. I haven't truly lived in over six years. There have been glimpses, little tastes of life, but nothing continuous. I'm tired of that. I want to eat life up, I'm so hungry to live. I'm tired of empty and numb. It's comfortable and familiar, but it's no longer working too well.
