I'm addicted to food-control

It has been over a week that I've been at Rosewood Capri for treatment for my eating disorder. The first week was literally like coming out of a dream, a nightmare if you will. I was exhausted, barely able to function for the first several days. Before I went in I was binging and purging the binges every day, and restricting my food intake pretty heavily. From that I have been plunged into the world of "normal" eating -- following a meal plan that requires three meals and three snacks a day. It was a shock I expected, but a shock nonetheless to my body and my mind even more.
For someone who has a deep-seated but illogical belief that if she eats normally she'll balloon to blimp size in a matter of hours, it is extremely difficult to eat that often. For the "normie", you eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, overeat or eat for emotional reasons some days and eat less other days because you're tired or sick or just too busy. For me it's different. I didn't eat when I was hungry until I was ravenous, then I binged and threw it all up... I ate for emotional reasons, didn't eat for emotional reasons. Food was no longer just food. It had the power, not to nourish because I didn't feel I deserved nourishing, but the power to numb and control feelings. I couldn't stop without help. I was addicted, still am addicted, to the emotional perks of doing this insane behavior.