Mad

I'm still seething. I mean, I am angry. This is uncomfortable for me. In fact, I hate being angry, especially at someone, even more especially at someone I love. I have spent years, years, supressing my fury. It is finally coming up in a way I can recognise as anger. Prior to today, I didn't really think I was upset that much. But my whole eating disorder has a horrible vengeful quality that I couldn't face. I still don't know if I can face this. I hate being so mad! It feels crazy, it feels undeserving, unjustified. I don't have a right to feel this. Yet. Yet I feel it all the same. I'm angry .....

Deception

It's been a hard week. I started working again -- well, training for work. My days are fuller. But ED, ever creative, sneaks in at any moment I allow it. Which is many, unfortunately. It's so hard for me to eat at work, and it's hard to eat at home too. I feel self-conscious eating in front of anyone I don't know well. Are they looking at my food? Do I look too fat, too thin? Most of the time I just feel plain ugly, ugly, ugly, regardless. I feel myself rapidly slipping away into the ether of ED world, feel the clouds of lies and deception coming over me, and I stand by and watch it happen. While I know where they come from I am loathe to shake them off.

Case in point -- the word "later". As in, I'll ask for help "later". I'll eat dinner "later". I'll stop binging and purging, "later", sleep through the night "later", cook a meal "later" ... my list of "laters", "tomorrows", and "next times" is seemingly inexhaustable. It's all bullshit. I know I am deceiving myself. The bald and hideous truth is this: later doesn't happen, tomorrow never comes, and the next time is always this time.