I am nearing the end of my rope. Having an eating disorder and trying to be in treatment for it is completely exhausting, especially when I continue to act out in the disordered behavior every few days. I long for some kind of break, just a little rest from it all.
So the eating disorder comes in, seductive, telling me I can numb it all away with just a little using. And I give in, again and again, forgetting on purpose so easily how short-lived the benefits are and how awful I feel afterward, how the guilt and shame I feel only perpetuate the cycle. I forget, and I give in. Because I do want a break, and I push away the thought that what I am doing to escape is the very thing I am trying to escape from. The only way I know to rid myself of the insanity is to participate in it. I wake up every morning feeling like I absolutely must act out. I go to sleep every night thinking of how the next day I might, and then some nights I even dream about it. It's horrible, it's crazy, and this is my life. I want out.
Like I said, I'm nearing my end. I don't have much more strength to fight this. Which means I either give in ... or I lean on other people and more than that, I lean on God. Which I hate doing. But I am going to have to do something ... I am tired.
