I was inexplicably, extremely sad this afternoon. Oftentimes I am quite depressed, but usually am able to circumvent it somehow, whether in a healthy way or not. Today, I wallowed. I crawled into my bed at four in the afternoon, cancelled my ride to the 12-step meeting I was supposed to be at, and ignored phone calls from my parents for hours. I dozed and nursed my sadness. I wasn't sure where it came from. Sometimes I just get feelings, seemingly out of the etherworld. I guess I have shoved them down so long, they don't know when it is appropriate to come up any longer.
The sadness has led me to think about grief and loss... I have a lot of that in my life. Most of it is self-inflicted. My illness has cost me greatly. I don't like to think about this. It makes me feel sick, shameful, and guilty, not to mention extremely depressed. But maybe it is necessary to feel the loss in order to change. They say that pain is the impetus to make change. So. I have lost my health, my strength, friendships, opportunities for friendships, romance, opportunities for romance, relationship with God, relationships with my family members, multiple jobs, schooling, a lot of money, living situations, stability, joy, love, emotions, the ability to cope with life normally and functionally... I am pretty sure there is more to the list. My life has become very small and narrow. I have to name each of these things, mourn them and repent of what I have done to cause their loss. And I must change, and work to move on and regain what I can, and seize the joy that is offered to me should I choose it.
