Relationship

Last night I went to an AA meeting with a few girls from the program. The topic was relationship, and made for a very insightful meeting. After dinner, we saw a late movie, just a chick flick really. Behind all the sex and cussing and cute comic dialogue the message I gleaned was this: If you're afraid of being hurt, try not to fall in love. Because love and relationships in general require feeling, and that includes pain.
After the movie, before which I drank far too much coffee, I was at home trying unsuccessfully to sleep. I had one of those 3 am epiphanies or something, at least my mind managed to connect the movie to AA and all I have begun to learn the past six or so years I've had or tried not to have an eating disorder. I realised that a relationship of any kind, with anyone, is a reflection of my relationship with myself. This could be why I'm not very good at them. For so long I've avoided, run from, hated myself. I really couldn't, and still sometimes can't, stand being me. Sometimes I'll avoid being friends with a certain person because they remind me so much of those parts of myself I dislike. This actually happened recently at the Capri. Sometimes someone reminds me of my own pain and I start acting codependent, wanting to save them. Other relationships are shallow, surfacy, what-are-you-doing-lately sorts, and I never get to know the actual person. We only talk about what we have in common or the simple easy topics because at least for my part, I'm afraid to reveal myself any more deeply. I have had very few deep relationships, in which each party feels and shares their inner world with the other. I have very rarely been truly known or truly known anyone. So perhaps it's no wonder that the movie left me, as is typical, feeling depressed and love-hungry and pessimistic. Whenever is love going to show up in my life like that?
Until I begin to have that deep knowing relationship with myself, I don't think any real love is possible. Until I allow myself to accept my flaws, how could I recognise and still accept the flaws in another person? Until I face my own hurts, what possible empathy or help can I offer to a fellow hurting human?
This was a depressing realisation at first, given that I don't really love or accept myself, and don't even know myself terribly well. I hardly know how to begin. The possibility of love, romantic or otherwise, felt very far off. But I think now that there must be hope, because of God. He doesn't have my flaws-- he can do what I can't. He can accept my broken, messed up, rebel heart and love it anyway. He knows me deeply and doesn't draw himself away or become codependent. He just loves, because he is love. He loves with all the range of feelings from anger to joy to pain, and doesn't stop loving for any one of them. So gradually, as I am loved and known, I can practice relationship with a perfect yet perfectly emotional being. As this happens, maybe I can begin to have that relationship with myself. And perhaps, if I let it, the deep relationships with other humans will be possible.