Identity

Yesterday we had a restaurant outing. It causes anxiety for a lot of people because the portions aren't defined, you have to eat intuitively, and on top of all that you have to eat something someone else has prepared with god-knows-what ingredients. I wasn't terribly anxious myself. When I eat out I am with friends, and I am more focused for once on the conversation rather than the food. It's almost a relief to have an excuse to tell the eating disorder, I can't use you because I'm with someone else. So for me, in spite of the anxiety the outing went well.

After that we went to the park and had an experiential group about connection. We were required to talk about ourselves to another person, with another observing, using only "I am" statements. I am a daughter, I am an eating disordered person, I am creative, etc...It was difficult to talk about myself that much. We talked for maybe five minutes straight, and I struggled to find statements I could use. It makes me realize now that not only do I not like to talk about myself, I don't even know who that self is most of the time.
Identity is a big issue for me in my eating disorder recovery. Who am I without my disorder? I don't know. I've been struggling with this for six years, and before that I was just a kid, identity not fully formed yet. When I didn't know what to do, I did my eating disorder behavior. It was my vocation, my occupation, my life. Now it's going to go, and I have very little idea of who the person is who will emerge to take the place of Katrina the bulimic/anorectic. I don't even know if I will like her. Who is me? I don't know, and it scares me to pieces.